Oh Irony

I really need to learn one day to watch what I write or say, because inevitably, it will come to bite me in the ass. 2 blogs ago I made a joke about Sorens baby monitor picking up the train whistle or else he had a major diaper explosion I didnt want to know about. I also wrote in the last blog about the potential to run into mommies you know while in bedhead PJ morning breath glory when your child has a diaper explosion and you run out of wipes. And I have been paying for those comments ever since. Wouldn't you know it that both situations partially happened?


 Yesterday evening Soren had, not an explosion, but a very acidic BM that gave him a nasty diaper rash.  (Note to nonparental unit readers. I am about to speak of POO. If you have an aversion to POO, you may wish to skip this blog, or at least the next couple of paragraphs. kkthxlala)

The only time Soren ever gets a diaper rash is when he is either sick or teething. The symptoms for both can look the same: grumpy cranky baby, lots of drool, grabbing one ear, gnawing like hell on things, unable to sleep well, and instant, nasty diaper rashes. Its like he purges pure acid into his diaper. It has nothing to do with not changing him either. I've watched him once in a fresh clean diaper with nary a red bum quickly go to screaming crying infant within 10 minutes and a nasty red rash. It's just crazy how potent his butt gets when he's teething. Or sometimes sick.

So yesterday afternoon while we were out running errands, my normally very happy little guy starts to whimper and then whine. It was past his nap time, and normally I can smell his diaper when he lets one rip but this time, no odor. I checked the back in case and saw nothing. So stupid me assumed he was just tired. By the time we got home (20 minutes or so later from when he started whining) and I went to change his diaper his butt was baboon red. I felt so bad. Despite the fact our new house has white carpeting everywhere (seriously people, what the hell is up with white carpeting? Do people honestly have no idea how fast white gets dirty??? Now throw in 3 kids to the factor. It was the major reason I almost said no to this place. Stupid white carpeting) I let him crawl around butt naked to air dry, hovering over him with a towel over my shoulder in case of accidents and pleading with him to just, please do not poop. And if you do please baby, please, if you love Mommy, crawl to the kitchen tile first ok?

Bedtime came around and as I got him ready for bed I realized a major issue: we had no butt paste in the house. For those of you who dont have kids, butt paste is an essential must have for children in diapers. I can not hammer this home enough. You must have butt paste!!!! Its a thick cream with a sweet smell that soothes diaper rashed skin, while helping to heal the irritation. I've watched bad diaper rashes clear up in less than 48 hours with this stuff.

But it was late and I could barely walk from being so stiff and sore from moving, and it wasn't horrible, so stupid me, I thought we could make do with vaseline.

Kids, don't use Vaseline on diaper rashes. I dont care how tired, stiff, sore, exhausted, lazy you are. Learn from me and just get in the damn car and drive to the nearest store and stock up ok?

After 3 more diaper changes and ear piercing shrieks, and wracking sobs, at 1 am in the morning, I high tailed it out to the 24 hour food store, dressed in my coffee PJ bottoms and a night shirt, Soren in tow owl eyed,  clutching his blankie like a life preserver. Fortunately I dont think anyone I know saw me, but if you saw a tausseled hair, haggard looking woman in PJs, her husband shoes ( I was too tired to actually sit down and tie my own sneakers so I threw Js shoes on instead) carrying a red eyed sniffling baby, tiny white knuckled fists fiercely holding a tatty gray blanket.... yeah that was me.

I bought the giant jar of butt paste. I was taking no chances of being caught off guard again. And when I got home I probably smoothed on 1/4 cup of that stuff on his raw bottom, gently crooning to him that it would feel better soon.

It's been a little over 24 hours now since his rash appeared. It's still looking red and raw, but I'm beginning to notice it getting smaller. Im hoping it will clear up in a day or so. I feel like an idiot to have missed the signs that show up prior to the diaper rashes. Hindsight is 20/20 when I look back and realize he was a little crankier than normal, not sleeping as well during the day, grabbing one ear, drooling so much that, even on autopilot I was putting bibs on him when it wasnt even chow time...not even making the connection, and trying to chew through the moving crates lying around pell mell in my living room. I bet $20 one of his top teeth will pop out soon.

Oh irony. How can I both love and hate you simultaneously? Please, go bug someone else.