Anniversary

This last Sunday, J and I celebrated the 14th anniversary of our first wedding. I realize that the previous sentence is a touch confusing. You see, J and I actually had two weddings. The first one was with a JP and our mothers witnessing. We had quick vows, exchanged rings, filled out the paperwork, then headed out for a dinner before driving off to a theme park for our "honeymoon". I was twenty, and couldn't even legally drink the celebratory glass of champagne at my own wedding. I did, but don't tell anyone ;)

The second one was the one we spent over two years saving up. This was the traditional wedding with flower girls, ushers, and a big frou frou wedding dress. It was a year later, and most of our extended family think that this was the real wedding. But it wasn't. To us, it was more like a big party celebrating our love again with everyone.

Why we decided to tie the knot twice doesn't really matter. Suffice to say it was not for any major reason. I wasn't knocked up, and it was purely by choice.

So this weekend marked 14 years of our very first wedding. And of course J was sick, along with Ashe. We stayed home and didn't do much aside from a special dinner the two of us had after the boys went to bed. It was almost a typical day. However, I had a conversation with Ashe that really made me focus on something very special.

While Ashe was feverish, he and I headed upstairs to cuddle while we waited for the medication to kick in. We talked about his favorite  games, and how he wants to build his own games for kids when he grows up. And somehow we got to talking about family. He casually mentioned how Grammy was my mom so that meant Grampa was my dad....only he isn't. So I had to explain the intricacies of remarriage and family bonds can sometimes be tighter with love than blood. And then he asked what happened to my father.

"Well", I paused, not wanting to get into the gritty details, "sometimes husbands and wives decide to divorce."
"What does divorce mean?"
And it's at that point in time when I realize how lucky my kids are, if they don't even know what that word means at almost seven tears of age.

Growing up, divorce was a big part of my life. My parents separated when I was three, and divorced when I was four. It was NOT a good divorce either. It was messy, and scary, and long lasting. As I aged, most of my friends parents had also divorced. It was rare to find a peer whose parents were still together and happy.

So to see my child completely ignorant in the word and meaning.... it really hit home to me.

Some people may say that J and I married too young. And I will acknowledge that many of the marriages of very young adults do tend to end up in divorce. Many people are not mature enough at that age to make such a life changing decision.

And yet I would say that looking back, even at age twenty, I knew exactly what I wanted in my life partner, and J fit the bill and then some. Both of us came from homes that were rough. Both of us felt that FAMILY was of the utmost importance. And both of us desperately wanted to give our future children a home filled with love and laughter, done as a team.

That's exactly what we did. The road hasn't always been easy. It was filled with potholes, detours, and sometimes dead ends where we had to backtrack. But we worked together as a team to build our dreams, and we continue to do so.

When my child asks me what Divorce means on our anniversary, I know that despite our young age when we made our vows, we did know what we were doing that day so long ago. And here in the present, we are still as much in love if not more so, stronger as a partnership, and building a beautiful foundation to our children's lives.

That night, as J and I sat down to a quiet dinner alone, I thanked him for choosing me. And he looked into my eyes and said "no, thank you!" And we smiled and basked in the understanding that we do complete one another, and make the best team.

Happy anniversary Babes. I can't wait to see what the next 14 years bring.

Placing Blame on Female Teens: My Not So Random Opinion

 

 

Today I had a moment (gasp) to check my social media without a constant 30 second interruption from the boys, when I came across a blog* that really caught my attention. It did so because on the surface of things, the message the author offers is pretty good: Girls, respect yourself for who you are and don't feel that you have to act sexy to get a boys attention.

 

Great right? I thought so too, until I read the whole article, and then I felt sad. After sorrow I felt anger, and finally indignation. Why? Because the author states that any female friend of her three boys who poses "sexy" selfies is automatically banned from their FB account, with no second chance. Ironically, her blog consisted of multiple photos of her boys in swimsuits, posing near the water.

 

(* I will not post the url of said blog on this site. That is unfair to the blogger. We all have our personal opinions and this is my plae to opine. But I don't need to do so by offering her blog url up as a public media sacrifice.)

 

Umm, what? I mean look, I get that parental units don't want their teens posing in sexy ways, nor for it to get on social media sites where everyone and their dog can see. I wouldn't either. But at the same time, as a parent, I also understand that this time in their lives is a crazy rollercoaster ride where they are trying to learn what being an adult means, and guess what? They make mistakes. Just like a human should. And if it's not safe to learn as a teenager, then when is it?!

 

Here are a few excerpts from the blog that really bothered me, and my comments:

 

"And now – big bummer – we have to block your posts. Because, the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our sons, just as we know your parents care about you."

 

Here’s the thing. People make mistakes, and kids more so than any other category. Teens? They are a mixed bag of crazy chemical hormones thrust into a world hyped on sexuality from many different angles. Look sexy. Don’t look sexy. A simple smile at the opposite sex can be construed as flirting when in fact, it’s simple a smile!

We adults do our young ones a disservice by creating ultimatums in a time of their life when they are more confused than ever. Instead of saying that you will forever block them from your site, reach out and teach them WHY this type of behavior might not be the best decision.

 

Teenagers are in the process of trying to figure out who THEY are, and this becomes a process of “trying on” different “costumes” of life, so to speak. It’s the only time in life we have the ability to try something new, sometimes stupid, without massive life consequences. This comes at the price of doing stupid things sometimes, like posing sexy selfies in our PJs. But really, if that’s the worst a kid is going to do, that’s awesome! Better a stupid photo to look at and cringe years later, than to OD on drugs, or raise a baby at 14.

 

 "You don’t want the Hall boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?

Neither do we….

Some young men are fighting the daily uphill battle to keep their minds pure, and their thoughts praiseworthy."

 

 

My thought on this is then to stop blaming the girls for a boys behavior. I have three boys. Yes, two of them are young and not ready to understand the implications of sexuality. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t raise them NOW to understand respect. Respect yourself. Respect your body. Respect others. Girls are NOT just a play toy to drool over. Behind every stupid PJ selfie on FB is a thoughtful, kind person who is looking for who she is as much as you are. How hard is that?

Responsibility starts with yourself. No one else is to blame for your thoughts and actions but you. To imply that it is a girls fault for boys thinking of them in a sexual manner is not only doing your boys a disservice, but it’s entirely WRONG! It sets up the never ending cycle that blame is laid upon the female for being sexual, when the reality is, that everyone should be responsible for their own actions.

 

Aside from that, there is nothing wrong with sexuality! Nothing!!!! To feel sensual is a wonderful thing. Yes, there is a time and place for that, and being a kid is not one of them. But it has only been in the last century or two where we were not marrying and having children at the ripe old age of 14. Biologically speaking, we evolved to embrace sexuality at the age teens do. Socially speaking we have advanced enough to allow our offspring to stay young longer. That's a great thing!!!!! But is it really fair to punish our children for something that is really, socially new? Do we punish our kids for something that biologically comes natural? Or maybe here's a thought: instead of alienating them, to sit down and talk with them. Explain how at this point in our culture, it is not appropriate to test out these emotions in a public setting? What about talking to them instead of handing out ultimatums?

 

 

 

"And so, in our house, there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent.  If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island."

 

This for me, is the saddest part. It shows a judgmental mind process that offers no abilities for the girls to learn. If they “mess up” they are cut off with no chances of explaining their perspective, or for learning about forgiveness. What does this teach? It teaches that mistakes can not be forgiven. It teaches that some adults cannot be approached for help. It teaches that kids must sink or swim without the helping hand of a wiser adult.

 

That’s horrible.

 

Do I want my kids posting sexy photos on social media websites? Hell no! Do I want to see my kids friends posing that way? Of course not! But will I turn my back to them and refuse to open up a dialogue about why that is not the best course of action? No. I hope that I can remember when I was their age, and how I too made stupid mistakes, and how I learned from them. And I hope to be able to pass that wisdom on, along with a hug and the understanding that I am always available to listen.






I'm not judging the author for what she is trying to do. In her own way her heart is in the right place. I understand her concerns, as all of us parental units are concerned about the trials our children face as they begin to explore their sexuality. But I don't think that this approach was the best way. Instead of reaching out and trying to instill knowledge to those girls, she is pointing a finger at them and cutting them off. Simultaneously, she is unconsciously teaching her boys that they are not responsible for how they feel and react to women.... that in fact it is the females fault for their possible lustful thoughts or actions.

 

 

 So here is my own message to all of the kids, teens, and young adults out there that will be a part of my sons lives:






You're human. You're going to mess up. We adults did it, our parents did it, and all the way back as far as you can imagine. Your generation is unique, because you are the first to have the ability to post everything and anything up for the entire world to see. This is an amazing process, but it also comes with responsibility. Don't post stuff just because you can. Keep some things private, including that lil sexay pose you're practicing in the mirror. Wait until you are an adult to take that pose out of the dark, and strut your stuff when you have more knowledge about yourself and others and have the confidence to pull it off successfully in the appropriate place ;)

And if you make a mistake, that's ok. I won't ban you from my sons site. I may call your mom and give her a heads up, because I would want a mom to let me know if my kids were being idiots online. But it's not because I want you in trouble. I want the opposite. I want for you to learn, and this is the BEST TIME to learn! And if you ever want to ask questions and you don't have another grown up you feel comfortable with, I'm here. I'll listen. And I will do the best I can for you, as I do my own children.

 

 

 

 

 

Learning to Love Math

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Middle school is a whole new experience when it comes to homework. It takes a lot of organization and concentration to get through the piles of work after school. And homework counts for a lot of the total grade. Now add on top of that an ADHD kid with an ADHD mom, and it’s crazy town from 2:30 on, Monday through Friday.

 

In order to make sure that the lesson of organization is pounded into Xavier’s skull on a daily basis, each day when he gets home, we go through his binder, folders, and backpack, cleaning, sorting, and prepping. I also use the nifty school website each afternoon to list out the homework he has, in case he forgot to write it down. It’s only happened once or twice, but it’s a great way to double check. It also helps me because I can’t read Xavier’s scribbles even if my life depended on it.

 

Every weekday, Xavier will decide which lessons to tackle first, and we discuss them as he works on them. I’m finding myself fascinated with the lesson plans he comes home with, and while I don’t help him by giving him answers, I do enjoy learning as he looks stuff up. For example, the other day his social studies homework was to write his name in ancient Sumerian. While he did his own name, I sat down and wrote out the names of the rest of our family.  In Language Arts he had to write a sci-fi Cinderella story. I loved showing him how to make a note timeline for his book, and the next thing I know he has four pages fully written, and so proud of himself.

 

There is one lesson though, that I sit down and do with him every day, and this is math. Now let me clarify: I don’t “do” the math for him. But we’ve established a routine where we each grab a notebook, do the same problem separately, and then check against each other (and the calculator) to see who got it right. And you know what? It’s fun!!!!

 

This is coming from someone who loathes math with the utmost passion! I hated math, still do, and yet… I am actually enjoying (re)learning the mathematical concepts of pre-algebra. A big part of it is because I love watching Xavier grasp the concept we are working on at the time, or figuring it out myself and having the ability to teach it in a way that he understands. That “AHA!” moment he gets is priceless.

 

But I am also enjoying it for myself. I am finding that all of a sudden, the concepts are so much clearer to grasp than they were when I was in middle school myself. Maybe it’s because it is taught differently than when I learned. Whereas when I was in school the formulas were taught by rote, now they are taught with theory. Instead of “this is how you do problem x” it’s “Here is how to figure out problem x and why!”

 

Xavier can briefly describe the theory to me and it makes complete sense! And when the numbers all add up correctly, I feel so excited. Math has eluded me my entire life, and there has always been that teeny tiny voice in the back of my head that whispers “you’re not intelligent enough to grasp math. It’s too far above you.” But it’s not, so nyah!

 

So this becomes a win/win situation. Xavier explains the theory even if it hasn’t clicked. I’ll try a problem and it clicks. Then I can go to him and explain it in different ways, or show him tricks until it clicks for him. And then we sit together with our notebooks, and try to see who can get the correct answer first. We compare our answers, double check with the calculator, and if one of us is wrong, we try to see where we went wrong. It’s become a fascinating way to instill the current concept we're working on and double checking to Xavier, while also making it more enjoyable for him. At the same time, I am also learning, and appreciating the lesson.

 

While I don’t, for any reason, wish to be back in middle school, I am having more fun than I could have thought in helping Xavier stay focused and soak up as much information as he can. It makes me really appreciate how teaching has evolved over the years, and I am very pleased with the school he goes to.

Weight & Workouts

Struggling with my weight over the past few years, I have been trying a lot of different types of workouts that may help both tone me up and slim me down. While I am not one of those moms who heads to the gym on a daily basis, looking sexy in that cute tank top and slim fitting yoga pants, I do try to incorporate a work out routine in the comfort of my own home.

Over the past year, I have been working with an endocrinologist to figure out why it is that I simply can not lose weight. The current theory is that I am glucose intolerant. In laymen's terms, this means that, while normal peoples bodies break down carbs and use it for energy, my body does not recognize the glucose (broken down carbs) and it stays in the body, creating fat. I'm now on a special diet that vastly reduces carb intake. While I miss eating bread whenever, or cookies, or cake, I've grown used to it. I also got myself back on ADHD medication for myself, which helps reduce hunger.

With that on the table, even with my meds, a special diet, and working out, I am still not losing weight. But I am also not GAINING, which is an improvement. Still, it royally sucks to know that with everything combined, if I were a normal person, I'd have that hot little ass, tight abs, and thighs that could crunch a soda can with ease.


So J and I decided to switch things up a bit in the workout routine. He found a set that interested him called the Spartacus workout. Supposedly this is what actors use for six weeks before they appear on screen buff. It is a crazy little weight lifting routine that anyone can do in their home with ease. When I say with ease, I mean that it's easy to get what you need to do it. Ease in actually doing it is another story. I'm pretty tough and active, and this kicked my ass!

However, I will say that after three weeks of crying through it, both of us have noticed drastic changes in our bodies. I still have not lost weight, but I'm firming up. I even have indents where my calf muscles are!!!! If you want to check it out you can find the work out here. We do this work out three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

The other work out we started up was Yoga. When we first moved here, I tried out a Yoga class and loved it. However, it was a pain in the ass to get to a class when you had kids in tow. So I stopped. I've always thought about asking J to try it with me but with his lack of balance I always assumed it would be the one type of workout that he would not take to. However, since I joined him in Spartacus, he was kind enough to try out Yoga with me.

I hate doing the same thing every time, so we went through youtube to find some beginners videos. I also purchased an app that had whole sessions on it. After one practice, I was hooked! Two days after we started, I found myself popping on a twenty minute video here and there, not realizing that at the end of the day I had done over two hours of Yoga. The after effects hit me the following morning where it took me a long time to get the hell out of bed, moving stiffly as though I were made of wood. Of course, a little bit of Yoga helped stretch me out!

So now we have something to do every day, and we're really enjoying working out together instead of finding ourselves doing our own thing. In three weeks I have lost a couple pounds, but more importantly, a few inches here and there throughout my body, and my muscles are really beginning to define. I was so excited I even went out and bought myself a yoga mat and gloves. With a phone app I can toss on the morning for a five minute sun salutation, and either the Spartacus work out or Yoga in the evening, I'm feeling better about myself despite the frustration of my obstinate physical body.


Maybe one of these years I can actually try a bikini for the first time...

Hey Gamer Guys, We Need To /Chat

Men, I think it's time to pull up some chairs and we have a serious heart to heart. Because the kind of  shit I'm blogging about today has been going on for too damn long.

For those of you who know me, either in the real world, gamer world, or just through my blogs, you guys know that, while I rebel against societies restrictions on "moms", I am not a part of the feminist movement where I remove my bra, burn it, and think all men on the planet suck. In fact, I like guys a lot. Most of my besties are males, and have been since I was a tiny tot. I can relate much more easily to men than I do to women. I've always been this way, and maybe it has been a part of why I have always enjoyed gaming. I get the same sort of euphoria when I rock out a raid with my fellow guildies and we take down that mother fucking boss for the first time. However, I do believe that we guys and gals are equal, and should be portrayed as such. While men and women are different, I'd like to think that evolution created us this way so that we compliment one another. Where one's weakness lay, the other picks up, and vice versa.

That doesn't mean that because we females may not generally be physically as strong as men, doing Strong Man contests and shit, that we are weak. In fact, anyone who has witnessed a female dealing with almost ten months of carrying around a child in her body then forcing a full fledged mini human into the world via her girly bits would laugh outright at such a ludicrous thought.

And yet...

Usually news stories don't bother me enough to post about it. But this one does. And while it is not as important in the real world compared to

• unequal pay in the workforce, or 
• how last week, the MS gov. came out and blamed working women for the poor educational performance of today's youth because they don't stay home to raise their children, 
• or how a social studies teacher told graduating female students to "Stay home and...that your greatest role in your life will be that of wife and mother."

this discussion with you is related all the same. And while other women out there are fighting for the causes above, I realized today as both a female *and* a gamer, that this is a platform I do need to fight for.

So here is what I saw today, while catching up on Current Events:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jordanshapiro/2013/06/11/e3-inspires-woman-bashing-on-twitter/

Misogynist gamers are at it again, attacking Anita Saarkesian for making a simple observation. Perhaps all the excitement at E3 has made their thumbs twitchy. There’s nothing particularly surprising here. Hopped up on adrenaline and “fiero,” they invoke the patriarchal battle-cry.  Of course, Saarkesian is the easy scapegoat. She has been for some time, the villain in social media’s version of a juvenile battle between the sexes. The tweet:
Thanks #XboxOne #E3 press conference for revealing to us exactly zero games featuring a female protagonist for the next generation.
— Feminist Frequency (@femfreq) June 10, 2013Saarkesian, as usual, was met with an onslaught of misogynist attack.
Some of the antagonist responses are so offensive, crude, sexist, and disgusting that I’d rather not post them here. Visit Saarkesian’s Tumblr to see her screen captures of some of the worst.
Apparently, “women don’t belong in video games” and “in general, men are better at battle rolls [sic] and other battle type stuff.”
Worse: “What did you expect? Cooking and cleaning games at console launch reveal?” and “maybe if women were more interesting and capable at life there might be more female led games, like super floral arranger.”

********

I took a look at the tweets that was creating this firestorm. I recognize, fellas, that many of these, if not all, are trolls. But that's not the point, and I'll get to that in a bit. For now, I just want to show you some of the tweets that really pissed me off (and frankly, should piss you off as well):

Now guys, what I want you to do is this this. First, I want you to go back and reread those tweets. Read them very carefully. And while you do, I want you to picture yourself in the shoes of a woman who loves to game just as much as you do. I want you to think of a female friend. A guildie. A wife. Sister. Cousin. Someone you may know who loves the same types of games that you do, but does not have a penis.

I'll let you be for a moment while you do this.

Now if you come back and say "Hey SRM! I don't know any female gamers" I say to you Bullshit. Absolutely, without a doubt, bullshit. Because here's the deal guys. There was a study done that just came out and the numbers say it all.

http://gamepolitics.com/2013/06/11/esa-report-women-comprise-nearly-half-gamer-population#.UbfHz3XD_X4

The Entertainment Software Association released its report, "2013 Essential Facts About the Computer and Video Game Industry" on the official opening day of the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles. The ESA represents the video games industry, operates the E3 Expo trade show, and owns the ESRB, in case you didn't know.According to the freshly released report, adult women represent a significant percentage of the video game-playing population than boys age 17 or younger. Nearly half of all video game players are women, according to the report. Women make up 31 percent of the video game-playing population, while boys 17 and under represent only 19 percent of game players. Women are 45 percent of the entire game playing population and 46 percent of the time are the most frequent game purchasers.

*******

I really wanted to make sure that last paragraph caught your attention. Because that is extremely important, men. Nearly HALF of the gamers out there are female. 45% of gamers have a vagina. 45%. Vagina. Female. Your wife, sister, mother, daughter, cousin, friend, next door neighbor.... this stat needs to be slammed into all gamers heads again and again until any gamer could type it with their eyes blindfolded.


We femme gamers haven't just all of a sudden popped out of the woodwork screaming "EQUAL RIGHTS, BITCH!" Some of us have been here since the beginning. Our population may have grown over the years to become the 45% population that it is today, but gaming is not a man only universe, nor has it ever been. You guildies of mine know that I have been rocking the MMORPG scene since EverQuest pretty much launched!

We have been around! And our numbers are growing. We are with you guys, learning the moves, the stats, the rotations, cooldowns. We femmes are right along side you males, working as a team, staying up late at night to go over and over and OVER a fight, wiping until it all clicks and we take that boss down. We're right there with you on Ventrillo or TeamSpeak, screaming VICTORY IS OURS, FUCK YA!

We femmes are there, doing that daily rep grind, reading the forums to better ourselves, spending hours at the dummies, fine tuning our spec, our buttons, our parse.


We're right there with you! And yet...

• How many of you have watched gen chat and seen the phrase "There are no girls in MMO's" bandied about?

• How many of  you have seen in chat or forums, once a girl gamer speaks up, that others tell her to "get back in the kitchen" or "it must be her time of the month"?

• How many of you have been reading through gaming forums for info, only to stumble upon a girl bashing thread?

• How many of you have seen femmes kicked out/ refused entry to guilds/groups/raids because they are female?

How many of you have spoken up on our behalf?

As a female gamer who has almost 15 years experience of gaming ( not including console games... if I added that in we're talking 25 years experience) I could yell and curse, and bitch about this issue. But you know what guys? It won't do much good. Specifically because of the fact that I *am* female. My voice won't matter. It won't change a thing. But, your voice can. As a male gamer, you have the POWER to stand up to asshats like those who tweet the crap like above. You have the POWER to denounce sexist idiots in gen chat. You have the POWER to stand up for your wife/sister/friend and say "this is fucking bullshit, and we men will not tolerate our femme gamers being stomped on".



Because this is one part where you men have more power right now than we femmes do. We will get there, don't think we won't. But right now, RIGHT NOW, we need you: our husbands, our brothers, our friends, our guildies. We femmes, who work side by side with you in the multi-virtual universes... we need some heroes. Because we will continue to game. And we will continue to kick pixelated ass. And we will continue to push back at the sexist prepubescent trolls who think they are a manly man when they put women gamers down.




But we also know, that without real men standing up and letting it be known that this type of behavior is reprehensible, nothing will change. And frankly, I think it's time it did. Don't you?

From one gamer to another, 

I'm Not Dead Yet....

I might have given myself a concussion today. Not sure yet, but if I start hurling, J is on notice to rush me to Urgent Care. And the day started off so well...

With the boys vacationing at the G-rents, I slept in this morning until 10. It was so wonderful to wake up naturally! I had a few errands I needed to run, so I popped in the car to get them over and done with, in order to come home before lunch and spend the rest of the afternoon lounging on the couch reading my latest book.

I stopped at the boys school to pick up Ashe's inhaler. While I was there, the school secretary mentioned she loved my ring back tone (Pirates of the Caribbean) so I taught her how to make her own. She had just bought her very first smart phone and was so excited to try out all of the new things her old cell phone couldn't do. We talked about multiple ring tones, ring tone editors, and how she could have a ring back tone for every day of the week if she wanted to. I left her giddy with excitement.

Next on my list was the kids doctors office. I needed to pick up Xavier's medication prescriptions. I figured I'd hit Ulta after that, drop of the meds, then head home.

Instead, after laughing with the doctors secretary over Xavier's recent sex ed debacle, when I went to open the van door, my spatial understanding seemed to have misfired and the van door smacked me upside the head like a bitch in a black market wrestling match. I went down.

Although I saw stars and planets, and maybe a comet or three, it didn't hurt at first. I glanced in the window and noticed that the side of my temple was literally indented. That's when I started to get woozy. I hung on to the car for a few minutes, trying to figure out if I was woozy from seeing my head  pushed in like soft clay, or if it was the injury itself.

After those few minutes passed I decided the best course of action was to not be an idiot and drive just yet. I walked back to the pediatricians office and ever so sweetly asked if they had an ice pack I could borrow. Ann, the awesome front desk manager, rushed over to take a look. I know she's seen some scary stuff so when her jaw dropped upon looking at me and my new mark of idiocy, I knew I was in deep shit.

She hustled me over to a quiet dark room, grabbed the nurse and an ice pack, then hustled back tsk-tsking. The RN, a new nurse to the practice,  asked if I was dizzy. I wasn't but I was seeing spots in my vision once in awhile. She asked if I had had breakfast yet (nope) and handed me two lollipops. It was then that I realized that if I was going to smack myself upside the head, I had done it in the right place. Sucking on a cream soda dum dum, I lay down with the icepack and waited to see if I was going to pass out.

The kids doctor sauntered into the room ten minutes later and she and I both laughed when she saw who was the mom who hit her head. I love the boys doctor. She has such a great sense of humor. She checked me out and said it was a shame I hit the side of my head.
"Why" I asked?
"Because if you hit the middle of your head, you would have looked like the perfect Klingon." We both gave the Vulcan hand sign and snickered.

She asked the normal questions one asks a person with head trauma: how many fingers am I holding up? What day of the week is it? What month is it? I got the first one right no problem. The other two I whined to her that it was not fair she ask me those questions! It's summer vacation and all days look the same. She laughed and asked me to try. Fortunately I knew today was Thursday (it is Thursday, right?) because tomorrow is Friday and we're headed to the symphony tomorrow. I also know it's June because the kids are out of school. So nyah.

After a lot of back and forth between the doctor, nurse, and Ann, it was decided that I would live. I was given another lollipop, gifted the ice pack, and told to head straight to Urgent Care if I pass out or vomit twice. I thanked them for their help, and now I am determined to send them a case of wine for the holidays. I also lament that I can not have them as my own doctors, as my PCP sucks donkey balls.

So here I am at home, alive but now in pain, sitting still and wondering if I am going to rush to the bathroom. I feel woozy once in awhile (not good) but that's the worst of it. Well that and the fact that my forehead is showing off a pretty little goose egg.


J just shook his head and muttered under his breath (although loud enough so that I could hear him) that it's my genes that cause Ashe to have so many Ashe-idents. I'd debate him on that, but I just want to lie down now and whimper.

Ugh

Diet Diary: Week One

 

Like the multitude of ants I kill trying to infiltrate my house for sustenance, I find myself constantly trying to find a solution to my weight. Now knowing that I have hypothyroidism, I at least have a sense of peace as to why I gained so much weight so quickly. That does not mean I have to lie down and accept that my pant size has grown by three sizes. Oh hell no, I refuse to go down ( or up ) without a fight.

I've tried cutting calories. No go. I've tried a liquid diet. Nothing. I've tried intense workouts five times a week. While my stamina is much better and I can Zumba anyones pants off, my scale still laughs at me. Bastard. I've tried a bunch of things that haven't worked, even with my new thyroid medicine ( granted its still new and I'm sure will need adjusting at some level, but I'm an impatient bitch).

But recently I found something new that actually seems medically logical to work. I'm not here to advertise it, so if you want more info, you can email me. But the logic behind this plan seems, well, logical. It's a plan that combines a lot of things both J and I have heard over the years to help with healthy weight loss and a healthy lifestyle all wrapped into one.

Essentially, it states that most of the food we eat nowadays is filled with high fructose corn syrup, and other fatty things, that are hard for your liver and colon to digest. Because of this, over time, your body stores a lot of fat that it can't deal with, because the liver and colon start to get clogged and can't keep up. Or something like that. Bear with me, I'm working on the barest of caffeine here.

So in order to effectively lose weight and get healthy, you have to clean out your liver and colon first.  Once that is done, you then work on eating organic foods, or foods without the additives, with cheat days built in so you can still eat yummy, fat inducing foods once in awhile.

There are three phases: raw diet, cleanse, and undiet. Phase one takes two weeks. Phase two will take three days, and phase three is for six months, or however longer you wish to continue.


This is a seriously hardcore, life changing thing to try, so J was kind enough to do it with me. Without him, I probably would have fallen off the bandwagon after day one. It involves multiple trips to the health food stores, trying new things, and being mentally strong enough to not nibble at the boys hamburgers while we sit there and crunch on radishes.

I waited to blog about this until we had gotten halfway through Phase One to see if it was something we could stick with, and if it was even worth blogging about. We hit our halfway mark this morning with decent results ( and no cheating!!!) so here is what we've been doing.

Phase One is a vegan raw diet, only we can not have grains of any kind. All we are allowed to eat for two weeks are organic veggies, fruits, nuts, and cooked beans from scratch. No dairy, no grains, nothing cooked ( except our beans ). No coffee, no alcohol, no salad dressing, unless we concoct our own using the only two oils allowed, extra virgin olive, and coconut oil.

We can eat as much as we want of these things, while drinking water and herbal tea. It sounds simple.  It is simple. But after the excitement of trying something new wears off, roughly five hours and your stomach is yelling at you, it gets boring. REALLY boring. Despite the plethora of fruits and veggies out there, there is only so much you can do with them without using your stove. I love love love asparagus on a regular day, but I refuse to eat them raw. And broccoli without dressing dip? Thanks, but I'm all set. For the last few days I've been living off clementines, walnuts, spinach leaves, and beans. Breakfast? Usually a cup of beans with a touch of garlic powder and pepper, a water bottle of filtered water, nuts, and a teeny tiny clementine. You know, the ones you feed to dolls when you play house.  Lunch is a salad with homemade dressing. Dinner is a handful of apricots, maybe some beans thrown in if I'm starving.


It's not pretty folks.

It's a war tactic to force your body into shock, while at the same time trying to rewire your brain into the belief that 14 bean soup is as yummy as your chocolate stash when you have Aunt Flo coming to visit in the next day or two. Waterboarding has nothing on this diet in regards to torture.


The first four days were excruciating. All I fantasized about was fried chicken, and I dreamt of cheeseburgers floating into my mouth, while fries danced on the sidelines, whipping their starched hair in fountains of soda. The headaches from lack of caffeine were killer, as was my mood. I had zero tolerance for rough housing mornings without my cup of coffee. But the worst was when we went to a Trunk or Treat and our favorite, mouth watering butcher shop was there, offering freebies of the steak tips my whole family would kill over. Right off the fucking grill. It was devastating to watch the boys down their juicy tender hunks of perfectly grilled meat and we couldn't even have a nibble. It took all the will power we parental units had to not cheat and quietly scarf that last piece of perfect beef that Soren decided he didn't want to finish.

However, I knew I hit a mental mile mark the other day, as I was cooking up Hamburger Helper for the boys. As I started browning the meat, I noticed my nose wrinkling at the smell wafting towards me. By the time I was stirring the faux cheese and milk into noodles and burger, I was quite nauseous. I came to the conclusion, as I stood there, arms out as far as I could go and still stir the concoction, that I would probably never view Hamburger Helper the same way again, let alone eat it. The situation reminded me of when I was pregnant and couldn't deal with certain odors.

And the other bonus was that I got to measure myself last night, after a week of food hell, and lost both an inch in my waist and chest, but also five pounds. Not too shabby for only a week. It was at least enough incentive for me to continue on this journey.

I'll keep an update going on my progress. I've got one more week on this raw diet before I do the next phase: The Cleanse.


 Ooof.

Weighty Validation

After a year of painful frustration dealing with rapid weight gain for no reason, today I finally received validation.

If you remember, I blogged awhile ago on how very quickly, with no change in diet or exercise, I gained 30 pounds in three months. I blogged on how I went to the doctor in a panic, and after a few blood tests he determined that I just had a "fat gene" and there was nothing I could do. I tried his weight loss pills to no effect. I started working out like crazy to no effect. I cut my calories and carbs down like crazy. To no effect. I even tried a pure liquid diet which worked for two weeks. Then I stopped losing weight. I tried thermogenics pills, best on the market, to no effect. I drank shit tons of water every day, staying close to bathrooms due to my new superpower ability to pee at a  moments notice. To no effect.

Finally, after trying everything under the sun, I returned to my doctor and demanded that he send me to an endocrinologist now. One week later I was having 15 vials of blood drawn while doing a glucose test. Today I got the results.


I don't have a fat gene. No, I have hypothyroidism and I'm pre diabetic. And I only found out because I refused to stop fighting for an answer. I knew I wasn't lazy. I have three kids to raise, plus I work out five times a week. I knew I wasn't stuffing my face, because I've kept my calorie intake very low. I knew something was wrong and a year later I got my answer. Not only do I have a answer but I understand what is going on with my body too.

My thyroid numbers came back on the "normal" side, but just barely. I also had every other symptom that pointed to hypothyroidism; rapid weight gain, exhaustion, dry skin, brittle nails, history of anemia, etc. On top of that, it was discovered that my body simply cannot break down glucose. In trying to combat this issue, my body produces ten times more insulin than the normal body, trying to break it down, with no success. My doctor explained this is why no matter what I do, I can't lose weight. It's not my fault. Its something I can't help on my own.

Starting tomorrow I am taking a low dosage of medication for hypothyroidism. My doctor says I should start to see the weight come off. I go back in three months, where we will determine if I get a higher dosage or add more medication on. I finally have a plan, a way forward, and medical help I have been crying for for a year.




So, douchebag doctor who said I had a fat gene, how bout them apples? Effective immediately, you're fired.

Gamers Pet Peeves

I haven't done a gaming blog in a long time. But I have been gaming a lot over on EQ2, and since our guild has decreased in size due to everyone playing different games at the moment, those of us who are around have joined an alliance of other guilds to raid. It's a completely different experience for me, not knowing everyone well on the team, not knowing if I can trust them to play their role as I do the best I can with my own. It's like being a nervous virgin every raid night, not knowing if you're going to have a great experience and love sex, or if it's going to scar you the next time you find a willing partner.

 I'm going to readily admit that I'm a raiding snob. I can't help it. I was taught to raid with some of the best players. I was taught to put my all into it, to have fun, but to also improve myself. I was taught to kick pixellated ass, the tougher the better. And if you make the same damn mistakes because you're too lazy to care, you're going to chewed out, and not in the pleasurable way. Because your team relies on you. You have between ten and twenty five other people relying on your ability to work as a team in moments of stress.

I'm also a DPS whore. I don't care if I don't play a pure DPS class, I will do my job AND try to kick your ass in numbers. And nothing makes me more happy than to leave others who play the same class as I do in the dust. I'm a competitive bitch and I like it that way.

That said, there are a few things that make me want to turn my virtual daggers away from the boss we're killing and turn it on my raidmates. And with a bunch of people I don't know, I've noticed those tendencies seem to come out a little more often than normal. I've been fortunate enough to have my core group on hand to gripe with when we see piss poor stuff and wipe due to it. And I can't complain too much. It could always be worse. I could be not raiding. I could be dealing with an asshole raid leader. Hell, I could be Raid Leader myself.... *gulp*

But since this is my blog and I can get away with it, here is a list of gaming pet peeves that make me want to go virtually homicidal (where, by the way, it's actually legal in my game). I should also ammend that this raiding rant is NOT just for the new raiding folks. These are my pet peeves all the time. I'm just writing about them now because it all comes to the forefront whe dealing with a new situation.:

Not knowing how to play your class-
When you sign up to raid with other people, you are silently claiming that you know the class you play, and you play it well. You know what all of those little buttons do, you know how to assist the main tank, and you know what your role in a raid is. And if you don't know, you ask before the raid starts up, for clarification.

You DON'T target random mobs and shoot an arrow, causing 50 hungry looking monsters to descend upon us without knowledge, as the rest of us try to take down the two monsters that were pulled by the main tank. You DON'T let your group buddies die horrible agonizing deaths time and again because you're a healer and you HAVE to heal the main tank and only the main tank. Unless you are IN the main tank group, THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB! That's the other two healers jobs who are IN that group! On the flip side, for DPS folks, you DON'T target any mob in the fight that you please. this leads to anal bleeding (yours) which causes your death which makes me have to stop and Rez your ass, thus losing my DPS zone. You being an idiot should not have to make me deal with your inadequacy issues.

Don't talk to the new people as if they're idiots right off the bat-

Now I'll grant you that I and my fellow guides are new to this particular scene. But trust me when I say, after months of raiding in this setting, that in almost all cases, we probably know more about raiding and our roles in it than 90% of the raid force. Or for more general circumstances, if you're new to OUR raid force, the same applies. Do yourself a favor and don't send nasty grams our way, asking if we know what this buff or that buff does. Or ask us if we actually cast our procs that make you look good. Cause you're going to get sarcastic answers right back. If you actually ask me if I cast buff A I'm going to purposely look like a hillbilly, adopt bad grammar, and ask you "isn't that a tank thing? I'm just a lowly scout!" and the I'm going to watch you flip out. With popcorn.

Dumbass.

On the same note, don't act passive aggressive in group chat trying to make some of us look like idiots. Because we're not. And we may know some tricks up our sleeves that never occurred to you. And that main tank over there? Yeah, we've raided with him for years when he was a guildie of ours and he will (and did) tell you he would trust us to keep his ass alive better than anyone else on the team. Cause we've proven ourselves before. We might be new to THIS team, but we're not noobs.

Don't tell someone how to play their class when you don't play it either-

I think this one is pretty obvious. I don't tell a healer how to heal. I don't tell an assassin how to backstab. Don't tell me how to be a dirge if you're not raiding as a dirge. And don't tell me how to play my dirge when I'm above you by an average of 60k damage per fight and rezzing at the same time.

If you make a mistake and we wipe, that's ok. But not if it's the fourth time over the same damn mistake. Learn from your mistakes. We only have 3 hours to get through the raid and get phat loots.

Keep chatting for mid pulls-
Don't send me tells when we're in the middle of a boss fight unless it's an emergency. I don't care what song you're listening to. I don't care that you had a funny thought and wanted to share. I don't care that you want to know if I'm going to cast that awesome buff that makes you look like a god. You should know by now that I will cast it when the time is right and not on your say so. I don't care if you're on your fifth beer and you want me to know how freaking drunk you are. Trust me, I already know.

And if it's really important that I need to know how drunk you are, wait until the boss is down or we are.

Don't cast the same proc as I do five seconds after when it lasts for 17. We both hear when the other person casts it. Im paying attention to when you cast yours so that we get maximum usage out of the proc. Grant me the same respect. Otherwise it's totally pointless. And by the way, I can assure you that I am not the only to notice this situation. We've actually created a drinking game for every time it happens. Needless to say, each raid night finishes with us being pretty damn inebriated.

Now I love me some raiding, especially with good friends and competent raid leaders. And I will say that even though I have my peeves, I have been having a grand time. I've made some pretty cool new friends, I have my inside jokes with old friends, and I enjoy taking down a new boss with my team mates. Let's keep it up. Just stop sending me stupid tells when I'm trying to keep your ass alive, mmmkay? ;)

Can't Get It Out Of My Head

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to the song "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas over and over. I'm being haunted by this song and now it's like a drug, I have to listen to it.

It all started when I was perusing Netflix awhile back and found a show called Supernatural. J and I had heard about it but as we usually don't watch much tv, we never checked it out.  I found myself twiddling my thumbs one day and decided to check it out on my kindle. I was hooked. Two sexy brothers fighting monsters and dealing with heavy topics. Oh yeah.

This show has seven seasons, six of which were on Netflix. So I sat. And watched. Every season. In a matter of a month. I even bought season seven on Amazon so I could catch up. And on every single seasons finale they would play this song. So it stuck with me.

    (Season one finale. I didn't want to post later versions in case you decided to check out the show)

Then I went to my friends wedding in Long Island a few weeks ago, and as I was walking out of JFK, overhead I realized that music was playing and wouldn't you know it? Carry On was playing overhead. Since I was away from my show I decided to download the song on my phone in case I started jonesing. J thought I was a freak, but it made me happy.

And that night, as we partied with the bride and groom, singing karaoke, someone picked that song to sing. Out of all the songs available.

So now, I am going to make this my current theme song. Cause look, I cant get the damn thing out of my head. It just is. And every time I hear it I think of those two sexy guys kicking major ass and it gives me warm fuzzies =)

A Little Quiet 'Round These Parts

Hey folks, I just wanted to post that the next few weeks may not have as many blogs. I'm hoping to get some scheduled out so there isn't a bare patch, but as you read this, I am most likely on a plane to a wedding at a funeral home. I promise, I'll blog about it as soon as  I get a chance. But also tomorrow is my birthday, and in a couple of weeks I'll be traveling again to another wedding, to come home and travel again to Massachusetts for a week.

So! While I will be gathering tons of blog fodder for my beloved readers, if there isn't three blogs a week I apologize in advance. I'll still post funny updates on my facebook page (which if you haven't joined yet, you are missing a lot), and whine there when the kids are not letting me sleep. But I will be back soon, with lots of new stories, including the wedding at the funeral home. I actually told J we had to go to this particular wedding for the blog fodder alone it would give me.

So happy week to you all, and think of me as I try to not giggle at inopprtune moments today at the wedding.

See you soon! 

Diet Update: Week One Complete

I promised last week that I would update on how my hardcore diet went, if I was good, if I cheated, and if it worked. So here I am, ready to spill it.

Let me preface by saying that I don't eat much in general. However, I learned this week that not eating at all, and only drinking shakes is very different. By day 2, when J heated up shrimp scampi, something I normally gag on when I smell it, I started drooling and dreaming of creamy shrimp. By day 6, as I boiled eggs for Easter egg coloring, I fantasized about eating them right out of the pot. Again, I normally don't like hard boiled eggs.

However, I did it. I stayed true to my diet of 1000 calories a day, mainly on shakes. Once in awhile if I found myself standing in front of the fridge, door open and gazing longingly at real food, I'd trade a shake in for something solid so long as it stayed within my limit and was healthy. This was to ensure I didn't break my diet and go crazy later. And it was smart, because I stayed true.

And on Sunday morning I weighed myself and lost over five pounds. It's a good start, and I'm happy with the progress. I realize most is probably water weight, and I can't expect such good results each week. But it's a beginning I can get behind.

The other positive change I noticed on Sunday was my appetite. I allowed myself to forgo shakes yesterday and ate when I was hungry. I celebrated with a chinese food dinner that evening and that's where I realized the most significant change: my stomach is shrinking. where before I could go for second helpings and have another plate later on at night, I found myself stuffed to the gills on a small plate, and stayed completely full until morning. Even when J heated up a plate of my favorite lo mein at 10pm, I had no cravings for more.

The last positive thing about this diet so far is that I have zero desire for chocolate. If anything, I feel chocolated out with all the shakes, something I never thought possible. While the boys feasted on three tons of chocolaty goodness yesterday, I only ate one tiny mini hershey's that was forced on me by Xavier, wanting to share his bounty. And I could barely swallow it. I only did so out of politeness.

Back to the week, I am going to try and continue this diet. I may add more actual meals in during lunch, courtesy of Lean cuisine, but still sick to my 1000 calories a day. I want to retrain my stomach to eat less in general, and keep my hunger for the day and not night time. I'll update next week!