...my child sold your honor student the answers to the test...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I Wasn't Supposed To Worry About THIS Talk!!!

Conversations in our household tend to have a way of twisting and turning from one topic to another, so that by the end of the discussion, you are nowhere NEAR where you started. I don't know if it's the way kids minds work, or just my own, but somehow I often find myself in deep discussions with the kids over topics I never in my wildest imagination could have envisioned being broached by them. Anywhere from wanting a Sea Lamprey for a pet (how many kids know what a Sea Lamprey even is???) to discussions on why Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear, and everything in between. We don't seem to HAVE normal conversations at the dinner table. Not in this house.

But one topic of conversation came up recently, that I thought I was saved from ever having to muddle through. Because I have 3 sons and no daughters. And how it came about started off innocently enough.

Last week, J was on a business trip back north. I had 3 days of the boys to myself. I promised them a pizza party on the last night if they did really well and helped me out while Dad was gone. They did a phenomenal job, and as promised, we bought pizza and celebrated our survival.

A common phrase from our boys is "I love (insert family member name here)". To which that person replies "I love you too." Unless it is Soren, who only screeches with delight and throws food at you in acknowledgement and to show that the feeling was reciprocated. And then they go off on a tangent on how we have the BESTEST family EVER!! (  I swear this is true. And I don't pay them to say it either. Really!!!) This night, Xavier said "I love Soren. I'm so happy he is a part of our family." Soren screeched, threw pizza at his eldest brother, and I smiled and said "Soren loves you too" as I picked up the half chewed crust and handed it back to my youngest.

And from this one, normal comment from Xavier, began a conversation that is too long to write here, as it lasted a good 30 minutes, but somehow went down twisty paths, hitting topics that parents have nightmares over when confronted with the possibility of being where I was put this night.

Soren was a surprise addition to our family. In other words, we weren't planning on having more children. But when we found out, and broke the news to Xavier (the only one old enough to really understand the significance of the situation)  all of us were excited. Xavier especially, because if he had his way, we would provide him with 30 brothers and sisters.

Coming back to the other nights conversation, Xavier asked how babies can be made when you don't "PLAN" them. If you have followed my blogs, you know that when I was pregnant with Soren, we had THE TALK as I was cooking porkchops and eggs. So he knows HOW babies are made. But at that age, the thought of S-E-X was GROSS. The thought of sex on its own was beyond his comprehension, and rightfully so.

Caught off guard, I asked if he remembered how babies were made. Then I said that when he grows WAY up and finds his life partner, sex is also something that is considered, umm.... fun. He looked at me askance, trying to judge if I was trying to pull his leg. Deciding I was telling him the truth, he asked if there was a way to protect yourself from making babies.

Seriously folks? At this point in time my mind is racing, mentally asking myself why am I always the one to get stuck with these conversations???? Why can't the boys ask J these??? 

Why me!!!!!

But I answered as simply as possible. Yes, there are. And when the time comes, I'll explain it all. But it won't be something he needs to worry about right now. He hasn't even hit puberty yet.

Which leads to questions about puberty. What happens? Why does it happen? Do girls go through the same things? No? You mean their voices don't change and go crazy? Well what happens to them then????!!!

And so my friends, I found myself, with explicit questions from the peanut gallery guiding me, explaining female menstruation to an 8 yr old boy. Trying my damnedest not to blush or laugh out loud at the utter absurdity of the situation.

J called from the airport, interrupting my explanation of ovaries and eggs to a wide eyed audience, listening with rapt attention. The spell was broken, excitement of talking to Dad and telling him about our pizza party took over, and I was saved. But the moment I got the phone back, I grumbled to him "Why do I always get THOSE convos?  Why can't they go to you with these topics? You'll never believe what you just interrupted...."

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