...my child sold your honor student the answers to the test...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Swimsuit Season Sucks (A Whine)

I’d like to think that even after having three boys my body looks pretty ok. I totally understand that my body went through hell and back three times and there are battle scars to prove it. I’m ok with not having that perfect teenage body where the stomach is conclave when you stand up. I’m a little bit ok with the conclave effect I have due to my lower body being stretch 3 feet forward three times. It’s gonna happen and even if I work out 5 hours a day 5 days a week, it will always be there.

I’m ok with that.

I’m kind of ok with the fact my boobs are on the smaller side. They always have been. In fact I didn’t have what you would call boobs UNTIL I got pregnant with Xavier. I love my boobs when I’m pregnant or nursing. In fact it’s the only time where I can stand in front of a mirror and feel like a real woman. Causein my warped mind boobs means female. Just like penis means male. Alas, most of the time I don’t have much boobs. Maybe that’s why I’m not a girly girl. I must think more on this theory.

I’m ok with that.

I tell myself I’m ok with my not so perfect body for 9 months out of the year when I wear my jeans and tank top, or jeans and long shirt. And then I hit the pool. And each year as I sit in the shallow end, having water splashed up my nostrils by one boy or another, I wipe my sprayed sunglasses off and watch those women who wander around in bikinis, holding the hand of a child or two. And then I glance down at my tummy poof and small boobs, and I’m not ok with my body anymore.

I can honestly say it’s not long I get to have my tiny pity party. I get a moment or two to let out a melancholy sigh and straighten my top to cover my pooch (again) before I get rammed from behind by Soren trying to dive bomb me into the 3 inches of water I’m sitting in. Or a water torpedo gets chucked at my head while Xavier and Ashe play catch a little too close. But dammit I want to whine right now. It’s my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I’ve tried the diets, Ive tried the workouts, blah blah blah. I’ve lost most of the baby weight. I look ok. But swimsuits suck. They just suck. I’ve never had the boobs to pull off a bikini. I wouldn’t even dare try one now. The two piece tankinis (which I currently own) suck because the moment I sit in the water the bottom of the shirt starts riding up. I can act like an idiot, drawing attention to myself as I keep shoving it down every 5 seconds, or pretend to ignore it.

I’d love to find a nice one piece swimsuit that doesn’t cost two thousand dollars, and when it gets wet, doesn’t cling itself so tightly to my torso that it gets sucked into my belly button like a mini black hole. I’d also like to go swimsuit shopping sans kids, so I can take my time and not be half naked in the dressing room when Ashe or Soren decide to go exploring and crawl under the door. I did it to my mom at their age, cause the local Marshals to go on lock down in case I had been kidnapped. They found me 2 hours later asleep in a cupboard. I know if I take my kids swimsuit shopping, the genetics will stay true. There is not enough alcohol in the world for me to deal with both the horror of swimsuit shopping AND little kids.

I think though, if I’m going to be swimming as often as we have been (at least twice a week and school will be out next week) I need to pony up and find something I can live with. I really don’t feel like going to the pool that often and having a mini moment pity party every time I see those women who look like they never birthed a child (yet did) with their perfectly toned bodies in a bikini holding up size C boobs.

Wish me luck on finding something decent.

No comments: