Weighty Subject

All of my life I have had issues with weight, although not always in the same vein. When I was a kid, up until I left high school I was skinny: too skinny. Dr's thought I was anemic or even anorexic (although I promise this was NOT the case).

But once I had Xavier my weight went into a tailspin the other way. I gained a lot of weight with Xavier and post partum, I was determined to get back to something healthy. Despite determined efforts, no matter what I did I could not lose it. I went to the DR then and he set me up with a nutritionist. After 4 months of severe calorie counting and daily exercising I went back to find out I lost a total of 4 pounds. I was told by the nutritionist I was screwed.

This caused a bout of major depression for me for awhile. But then I realized I could sink into my own personal hell and wallow in it, or I could say fuck it, and live my life with my beautiful new baby. I chose the latter. Oddly enough, a year later, with no changing in my diet or activity I lost the weight.

Fast forward to the (kind of) present: I have had an issue in finding a good Primary Care Physician in this area. I loved the one we had back in MA and I'm always comparing the ones here to him. My first DR told me I was chubby (I wasn't at the time and my BMI was great). I walked out and never returned.

The most recent DR I found I initially loved! However about 6 months ago, for no known reason I gained 30 pounds in three months. When I went to him for help, he put me on a weight loss medication that was ,and I quote, "99% effective! I guarantee you will lose weight!"

Even with a calorie counting diet, meds, and a lot of exercise, I still did not lose weight. When I went back for a check up he told me, and I quote, "You must have the fat gene. I read about that. The gene can turn on and off at random. Basically, there is nothing you can do. You're going to be the kind of person who has to work out 5 days a week and eat practically nothing, just to stay the same weight."

I walked out of there in tears.

And then I got pissed. Really pissed. Like I wanted to punch a fucking wall (or a certain DR). Because I'm sorry, but while I can agree with the fact that it's genetically possible for people to be more prone to gaining weight, I do NOT believe there is some fucking "Fat Gene" that can blink on and off like a traffic light on it's own random pattern. I DO believe that there is something else that has to have caused such a significant weight gain in a matter of months with no obvious reasons. I mean look. I would take full responsibility for any weight gain if I was sitting in my ass eating Ho HO's all day long. But I haven't been. And I feel like this weight gypped me of the pleasures of Ho Ho's dammit!

So I called him back and ordered him to test me for everything he could think of. Alas, he couldn't think of anything aside from testing for tumors and thyroid. I haven't been back since.

My point of bringing all of this up was because of today: I went to a new office for women for an annual exam. While there I asked them if they did anything else aside from OBGYN, and explained my sob story. I admit, this hits close to home and while talking it brought back all the pain and humiliation I've felt over the years. Fortunately, when I got to the part about the "fat gene", the DR gasped and said that was ludicrous. She was angry on my behalf and seeing that... it gave me a sense of peace. She also said that yes, gaining 30 pounds in 3 months is a sign of something up and she is bound and determined to find out what.

So the deal is I have to fast and go in for blood work. She's going to run the gambit on all tests she can think of. If they all come back normal she is sending me to an endocrinologist for more work. In other words, I have hope. I'm not roadblocked anymore. I'm cautiously optimistic though, because I really fear being let down again. This last time hit me more than I expected and I can still feel the grief when I even lightly think on the subject. To have this come to nothing or be told I'm screwed again would probably finish off what little self esteem I have left in regards to my weight.

So.... keep your fingers crossed for me that I found someone who might actually listen and do some detective work.  I'm hoping this one won't give up on me. I really need all the good thoughts I can get.