...my child sold your honor student the answers to the test...

Friday, February 26, 2010

Character Bashing

Warning: If you have sensitive ears(eyes) this blog probably isn't for you. If you love everything that comes with kids, including cartoon characters, and may be frightened that your perception of certain ones may ultimately be changed forever when your adorable angels are watching them on tv, this blog isnt for you. If you haven't realized yet that I do have a sarcastic and sometimes twisted sense of humor and don't wish to know that, this blog is most definitely not for you. For everyone else with a warped sense of humor, enjoy!

I have had a really stressful week. Oddly enough it hasnt been from my kids either. Just a lot of other stuff going on, on top of PMSing (which I acknowledge I get every other month and always try to warn J when I recognize the signs so he knows that anything I say or do comes with an auto mental message not to take me too seriously, unless I say to). I knew it was bad when I called J this afternoon from the car trying to be nice, by offering to grab lunch out and what would he like, when I came *this* close to hanging up on him when he answered "I don't care". One, I have never hung up on my husband, ever. Two, this has been a point of contention between us ( /whine just tell me what you waaaaaaant!!!) but even knowing it was coming I just got really pissed off. When I did hang up the phone (after finishing our conversation) I realized I needed to do something before I started focusing my pent up stress into driving my minivan into the next persons ass who went 10 mph below the friggin speed limit, because let me tell you, I always get stuck behind those assholes. And I was that pissed I would have floored it.

So I came up with a game. It's called Cartoon Characters I want to Beat the Snot out of because they piss me off. Want to hear my list?

Dora: Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!!!!! Did your mother never teach you what the word quiet means??? I mean seriously just try, for once in your small life, to turn your volume down to normal. Maybe, if you stop screaming everything that comes out of your mouth you might find a friend or two who are real, instead of a pet monkey, and an odd assortment of animal friends. The only kid who can stand you is your cousin Diego, and even then I'm sure it's because his mom forces him to play with you a couple times a year so she doesnt have to listen to her sister (your mom) bitch and whine about how you have no friends. And I hate to tell you sweetcheeks, but if after 11 years on the damn tv you still can't figure out who the hell to go to when you don't know which way to go is, I think you can pretty much be assured that you'll never be a rocket scientist. IT'S THE FUCKING MAP, OK?!?!!

Elmo: We get it. How can we not when it has been forced down our throats for generations that you are ticklish? WE GET IT. TOUCHING YOU MAKES YOU GIGGLE! It also sends out a really warped message to kids, if you ask me. Touch me touch me and I'll laugh. I mean really, who came up with this ingenious marketing ploy? Hey folks, wouldnt it be awesome if we made a hairy red monster who wants to be touched by little kids and he will giggle and shake when they do? Yeah lets market THAT! I know you do other things for kids and thats great, it really is. However as I dont watch you I only have the limited knowledge of what everyone on the face of this planet knows and that is that you are red, hairy, and like kids to touch you. That's just wrong.

Barney: I have a special place in my heart for hating this big purple dinosaur. Anytime I hear the song "I Love you" I physically cringe and a part of me dies. Fortunately I have battled hard with you, my nemisis, and have kept you out of my house for the raising of 2 kids! But if you dare even think about trying to encroach on my youngest son when he starts picking favorite shows, I will come find you and toss your purple ass into a bonfire and dance naked around your blazing carcass and call it a Barbecue when you're toasted through and your flesh is crispy on the outside, meat tender on the inside. I'll invite other parents to join me as well as I know my hatred is not my own for you.

Last but most definitely not least is Caillou. In fact, I think Caiilou is my most hated cartoon character out there.You dont talk. You fucking whine. Whine whine whine whine WHINE! I tell my kids I dont speak whine and yet THERE YOU ARE teaching MY kids that awful language. You are the most selfish spoiled brat of a cartoon kid that I have ever laid eyes on you and your mom seriously needs to lay off the happy pills and wring your little neck and teach you some flipping manners! Normally I dont condone violence on children at all and under any circumstances. But you're a cartoon so you dont count. Speaking of parents, I am sorry but Caillous Mom and Dad? You are so not even close to depicting what a real mom and dad are. You are the dredged up fairy tale of what some poor slop of a human being thought his mom and dad should be like and held on to that utter fantasy and somehow SOLD it to a tv corporation into believing it would be a good sell and teach OUR kids that maybe some families really ARE like that. What the hell are you people trying to do?? Shame us parental units into letting our kids do whatever the fucking hell they please? NO good parent in their right mind would allow their kids to get away with half the shit Caillou does unless mom and dad cant handle their own kids and rely on popping pills to make them happy and looped out enough to not realize or maybe not care that they're not doing their job as parents in the first place!!!!! I brought up my disdain of Caillou to a friend this morning and she laughed and told me of an episode she watched where the mom had Caillou watch his little sister Rosie while she went down for a nap. FOR REAL?! Isn't Caillou like 4 or something? Man, why had I never thought of this before? Hell, I should start this in my house right now. Yeah, I'll go take a nap every day and put Ashe in charge of watching over Soren. Cause we all know how great that would go down right? Fucking idiots.

Wow, that felt really good! I highly suggest this mental exercise next time you feel like you're ready to come unglued. Just make sure to keep it in your head or turn the radio up while you mutter so you don't warp your kids accidentally =)

Feel free to add your own character bashing in here! I'd love to know I'm not the only one out there who actually thinks these things!


Brady Bunch Mom said...

girl you forgot that Dora rip off, what the hell is her name? She's Chinese and she drives me batshit!

Rhaven said...


Mom said...


Becka Marsch said...

LOL ok that was AWESOME!

GoodTimesDad said...

Ha ha, NICE! Don't forget Dora's other great friend, her freaking backpack. I mean, that thing doesn't even have a choice.

Elmo, not so bad. We don't watch too much, but Elmo's potty time DVD made me laugh.

I hate Barney almost as much as I hate Lady Gaga, and that's saying something. What did they do, find the kids who weren't talented enough to be on any other show and put them on barney? And the Barney characters are just awful, fucking awful.

I've never watched Caillou, but I'm not into watching French cartoons.

Good times.

GoodTimesDad said...

And while we're at it, Diego has a sister, why doesn't SHE ever play with Dora? Think about THAT!

Rhaven said...

Speaking of Backpack, I was watching Dora today with Ashe and the backpack kept spitting out things and then eating them back up again, always saying Yum yum yum yum yum delicioso! And I thought, how gross is that? The backpack pukes and then eats it up again? WTH is that teaching our kids?!?!?!

Rhaven said...

Oh and somehow my comment got eaten (haha). Alyssia doesnt play with Dora because shes a teenager! Teens dont play with 6 yr olds :p

Roni Carbone said...

I am right there with you on Dora. I have been saying for years that kid needs to get an indoor voice AND FAST! As soon as they make Dora's quiet time episode, I will watch the hell out of that!