...my child sold your honor student the answers to the test...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Till Death Do Us Part

The other day we were driving through rural North Carolina. The one thing that stands out to me around here versus back north is that in the rural areas there are a lot of private family cemeteries. You can find them everywhere: in the middle of fields, in the side of the forest, in someones front yard.

As we drove along, passing multiple graveyards, J turns to me and starts us down the path of an odd conversation.

J: Have you ever thought about where we should be buried when we die? Do you have a preference?
Me: Well, we live here now. I don't really have any ties back in Massachusetts, so somewhere here.
J: Yeah, I feel the same way.
Me: I just don't want to be buried on one of those cemeteries where you have to have a flat stone. When I go out, I want my rock big and badass!
J: You still want the dragon headstone?
Me: Hell yeah! I want my giant dragon sleeping over my decaying corpse. And I want my epitaph to read "Still waiting for a rez". (Gamer joke)
J: That's going to cost a lot of cash, you know.
Me: Good thing you took out a big life insurance policy on me then, huh?
J: What about if your dragon is styrofoam. It would cost less. (I glare daggers at him) No?
Me: No. I want my rock to last. Tell you what. I've been thinking of going green. How about you forgo formaldahyde and all that jazz, wrap me up in a shroud and toss me in the ground under my big rock? You can use one of our spare bed sheets as a shroud. I'm fine with that.

We're silent for a bit, contemplating mortality and what it means. I realize then that J has never given me clear instructions on what he wants. I've always wanted my dragon headstone and made it crystal clear I would haunt J's ass if he didn't grant my last wish of a badass dragon headstone.

Me: So how about you. What do you want when you die? Cremation? Burial at sea? Want a badass dragon stone with me?
J: How about a burial at sea in a giant shoe?
Me: I could do that. How's your life insurance policy? Could it handle the expense?

Flaming shoe burial from movie "Passion of Darkly Noon"

J: I think it should cover it.
Me: I wonder if I'd need a special license to bury you a la flaming shoe?
J: Dunno. You think they have flaming shoe burial licenses?
Me: I highly doubt enough people want to go out via a flaming shoe to have a specific license for that.

We drive along for awhile. At one point, we pass by a taxidermist.

Me: That's it!
J: What?
Me: How about I get you taxidermied?
Me: yeah! And then I can have you wear that awesome viking hat you wore at the Museum of Natural history in New York!
J: I like my shoe idea better.
Me: Fine: I'll bury you in a flaming shoe. You just make sure you don't skimp out on my badass dragon headstone.
J: Deal.

1 comment:

Christine said...

I told Ray he's getting stuffed and put on the mantle.