...my child sold your honor student the answers to the test...

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Wedding

 OK folks, it's been over a week since the wedding and I have promised you full disclosure. I apologize for the delay. This past week has been hell, which I'll blog later.

Just to remind everyone, I was headed off to Massachusetts for a friends wedding... at a funeral home. yes, it was just as blog worthy as I had anticipated. Maybe even more so.

J and I arrived at Logan airport at 9AM the day of the wedding. When we left Raleigh at 7, it was a nice 65 degrees. Walking outside in Boston, to a "cool" 40 degrees, we both winced and lamented that it was FUCKING COLD! Ahh yes, we can admit that we have fully acclimated and are now southern.

IF you're familiar to Massachusetts geography, you'll wince in sympathy when I say we had to drive from Boston to Gardner, then to Southbridge, then to Waltham in one day. For those of you not in the know, just assume I said we drove all across the state a couple of times.

We headed to Friendly's in Gardner to grab some food for the first time of the day, meeting one of my best friends, Greg. After, we rushed to J's moms house to quickly change for the wedding. Which was awesome, cause we couldn't figure out how the hell to make the state of the art dryer which caused J to panic as he pictured himself showing up in a wrinkled suit.

For the first time in about 12 years I put on pantyhose. I remembered, as I tried to shove my legs into those tissue paper thin fabric how much I hate them and the person who invented them. But I didn't have enough time to really gripe as we had 30 minutes to go from jeans and ponytail to fashonista.

We dove into the tiny car that can really hold only one full person, and put the pedal to the metal for a 90 minute drive to the wedding/funeral home, straight across the other side of the state. As we're driving through Worcester, I realize that, of course, I have a giant rip in my fucking pantyhose. I mean, how could my day not be complete without that? So I sat there for a moment, contemplating the aerodynamics of wriggling out of the confining ripped pair I currently have on while replacing them with my spare. In a teeny tiny car. On the highway. In the second biggest city in the state, therefore ensuring plenty of people to peep my panties. Did I dare to expose myself in order to look perfect for the wedding?

You bet your panties I did.

And the state of Mass males were happy to see my cute panties and I was happy that I was flexible enough to perform such a crazy thing without killing myself or J, as he tried to keep his eyes on the road.

The wedding/funeral home itself was perfect antique New England. Pink wallpaper, tons of tiny rooms, gorgeous drapes lining the windows, dead bodies in the basement. You know, quaint. We met up with our friend, the groom, while we waited for everyone to arrive and sit. I met old friends we haven't seen in years, small talked with the family members, and tried to be on my best behavior and not go poking into random closed doors, looking for coffins. I did ok.

To my macabre delight, five minutes before the ceremony was to begin, the owner received a call for a "house removal". That's PC for a dead body in someones house. He came out and projected that we had to hurry it up as he told them he'd be there in 45 minutes for pick up. I am so proud of myself that I stayed straight faced, but I did go email myself this little tidbit so I wouldn't forget. Not that I could.

We started gathering at our seats and someone came in and said we could start as the girls were done in the bathroom and ready to go.


The last tidbit that made this absolutely perfect was that as I sat down, I noticed a display case beside me, cut into the wall. Expecting a pretty display of flowers or something, I was caught off guard seeing a GINORMOUS creepy Hummel, staring at me with a wicked grin.

Seriously, how can a wedding/funeral home not be complete without a two foot Hummel boy, grinning at you while you say goodbye to a loved one, or watch your friends say I do?

The ceremony lasted a total of five minutes once it began. Which is a good thing since they forgot to tell us guests to sit down again. Yes, we stood the entire time. 

And that, my friends, was the wedding at the funeral home. It was awesome!


Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

I was looking forward to reading this post. Glad I got to read it. I busted up over you giving Massachusetts a free show...haha

The Hummel Boy was a pretty cool add. Along with the dead body pick up....glad the wedding got over before they showed up. = )


saphiremoon said...

We have a family member that looks like a Hummel! She and my grandmother used to collect them. I understand your pain. :)

saphiremoon said...

I understand you Hummel creep out. We have a family member who looks like one, all delicate and creepy and up to no good. I sort of think Leo Decaprio looks like a little Hummel but not a creepy one.